I keep lists of things that strike me as funny with the plan to draw on these notes for my best-selling novel that I haven’t started writing yet, or to use in a blog post. One problem with this is that I always assume that “omg, this is hilarious, OF COURSE I’ll remember the context!” Or, sometimes I drunkenly add to the list on my phone and it’s kind of like waking up with a stranger because I pull up the list the next day and I’m left wondering WHAT HAPPENED? (please see my other post, Lies then and Now). Or maybe, sure it was funny, but what more do I do with this?
I guess compiling and sharing in list format is what I do with it:
- “Mexican Tom serial killer bones good wind chimes.” That’s the note, in whole. I vaguely recall talking with my sister, I think, about a serial killer who made wind chimes out of human bones. Or, maybe I dreamed this. But, Mexican Tom? Who the fuck is that? Is that a real person? Is it like how Michael and I refer to our neighbors as “The Lesbians”? Is this just shorthand? “Oh, that’s Mexican Tom, not to be confused with White Tom.”
- “When discussing the flora and fauna of my vagina, I’m now going to use the shorthand ‘flan.’” This was from an email addressed, but not sent, to Michael. I’m guessing there was a yeast infection? Because otherwise, well, I guess I’m not sure what the ‘otherwise’ could possibly be.
- “When I started to work with drunks, I worried that I was an alcoholic. Next week I start working with the developmentally disabled.” I think we can all see where I was going with this.
- “If your family is mad at you, can you still ‘Like’ their photos on Facebook?” Someone should create a social-media decision tree.
- “Apparently my bath bombs smell like carpet cleaner, which means that every time I take a bath, Michael thinks a dog pooped in the house.” I guess that’s the only time we use carpet cleaner.
- “The Do’s and Don’ts of Verbal Rape.” Oh wow, I’d love to know what I was thinking here.
- “I’ve had a recent issue with exclamation points. Spring break for little acorn smash acorn and she’s Scottish.” I think it’s safe to say that this note falls into the drunk category.
- “Living off the grid just means no sanitation.”
- Said at karaoke about one of the patrons hogging the stage: “Do they have the song Fuck the Guy in the Puffy Vest?”
- “I don’t know if that’s his wife but I do know he’s one hundred percent gay.”
- “You know Bread looks like Jesus? It was a starfish situation.”
- More karaoke: “What song is this?” “A pedophile song.” “No, I think it’s from Willy Wonka.” “Yeah… a pedophile song.”
- “Michael: What color is he? Me: Jewish.”
- “Investing in horses = gambling at the track”
- “Trauma-informed logic = when your logic is fucked by your childhood.”
Here’s a list of stuff said at work:
- “I’m dumb enough that I don’t need help.”
- “We have a right to die, for god’s sake!”
- “We are making a commitment to penalize.”
- “Raining hellfire.”
- From an instant message at work: Me: “I have to find all those emails I deleted.” Coworker: “We have email??”
- Supervisor: “This boat only has one captain. We follow him.” Coworker: “To the bottom?” Supervisor: “If that’s what he has in mind, yes.”